A Blame And Blackout Party
by Red Witch
Summary: After the disaster that was Pocket Listing, the agency moves forward the only way it knows how.


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has been taken away by Mallory. And then Krieger did something to it. Just some madness inspired by Pocket Listing and before Reignition Sequence.**

 **A Blame and Blackout Party **

"I hope you're all happy," Mallory snarled at her staff who had gathered once again in her office. "I just got off the phone with Hawley from the CIA and he gave me an earful!"

"An earful of what? Earwigs?" Cheryl spoke up.

"No, you dimwitted ditz!" Mallory snapped. "It was about the spectacular failure of your last mission! And if Slater has his way it will be our last mission **period!"**

"Pfft! Guy's a douche," Archer waved. "You already yelled at us about this a few days ago."

"And I'm yelling at you **some more**!" Mallory snarled. "It was hard enough getting missions from the CIA before but now it's going to be nearly impossible! Especially with a possible Congressional hearing into the whole Durhani incident! And a special _thank you_ to you **Sterling**! Once again you are a **disappointment**!"

"Mother I told you, Slater's plan was way too complicated and…" Archer began.

"Don't bother to make excuses Sterling! You were the most responsible for the whole mess and you **know it!"** Mallory snapped. "No wonder the Queen and the Prince balked! They could probably hear your erection from across the city!"

"Burn…" Pam snickered. Mallory glared at her. "Hey I was at my post! I wasn't the one screwing around and…"

"PAM!" Archer and Lana shouted at the same time.

"Yes Pam I am aware that Sterling shares most of the blame as well as Lana," Mallory glared at Lana.

"What? Why me?" Lana gasped nervously, her eyes darting back and forth.

"Part of your job is to keep an eye on Sterling!" Mallory snapped. "Which you obviously failed to do!"

"Oh she kept an eye on **him** all right," Ray grumbled.

"Mr. Slater told me all about how you stole his tranquilizer gun Sterling so you would have an impossible shot with the Queen!" Mallory snarled. "I'm guessing it was for to do unspeakable things to her while she was unconscious because there was no way in hell she was going to sleep with you! Ever!"

"Yes there was! I mean…" Archer protested.

"And you Missy running around in your underwear like a horny lingerie model!" Mallory glared at Lana. "From the description of what Mr. Slater said and Pam's pictures she's been sending around…"

"PAM!" Archer and Lana glared at Pam.

"WHAT?" Pam yelled back. "Seriously? What? Like I wasn't supposed to take those or something?"

"I'm working with **morons**!" Mallory groaned. "Horny, oversexed morons! Do you have **any idea** what the ramifications are of what you've done?"

"I have an idea," Ray glared at them as he absently moved the stump of his arm.

"You're just not gonna let that go are you?" Lana groaned.

"If it wasn't for you and Archer screwing around…" Ray began.

"RAY!" Archer and Lana shouted.

"And then there's **this**! Seriously Ray are you trying to become the new Brett?" Mallory snapped as she pointed at Ray. "Although I admit I give you points for originality! And not messing up my carpet."

"It's not my fault that Cheryl's stupid killer plant ate my hand!" Ray yelled.

"Yeah what is the deal with that in the first place?" Lana asked Cheryl.

"Your family gets more disturbing and creepier the more I know about them," Pam admitted. "Cannibal plants? Really?"

"That's gotta at least be some kind of zone violation," Cyril remarked.

"It is. Unless you have a permit from the state and the National Zoological Society!" Cheryl said cheerfully. "Which I don't have either so…"

"I suppose I should count my blessings that neither the Queen nor the Prince were eaten!" Mallory groaned. "Lucky for us that Audrey Two rip-off had only a taste for fruit!"

"You know…?" Ray snarled.

"You realize Durhan is the **second country** that's shut down their embassy and cut off diplomatic ties with the US because of you people?" Mallory glared at them. "Third if you count that principality a few years ago!"

"Since it's a principality technically it doesn't," Archer spoke up.

"Since this…Shall we say new chapter in the agency started," Mallory began. "You lot are responsible for destroyed CIA property, stolen CIA property, destruction of private property, the death of at least one CIA agent, a few scandals that have tarnished the CIA's reputation, a stolen Air Force plane, injuring several Air Force soldiers, and at least two international incidents! And on top of it all, you lot wasted over ten million dollars of CIA money!"

"Two? How do you get two?" Archer asked.

"Interpol? Remember the dead agents from the mountain?" Ray reminded him.

"Seriously? They still hold a grudge over **that**?" Archer asked.

"Do you have any idea how many calls and favors I had to cash in these past few months in order to not only cover up your screw ups, but to keep you losers out of jail?" Mallory yelled.

"No. How many?" Krieger spoke up. Everyone looked at him. "Well she asked!"

"Even I can't cover up for the lot of you forever!" Mallory shouted. "The way you are going we might be out of business by the end of next year!"

"Really? You'd think we'd last **that long?"** Cheryl asked.

"Oh yes. I'm very sure we'll be around for at least another season," Mallory waved. "Fiscal season of course. But that's not the point! I'm getting sick of all your screw ups and screwing around! Just get out of my office and out of my sight!"

"Geeze somebody's cranky…" Cheryl remarked as they started to leave. "You know I lost a huge commission and you don't hear me whining about it!"

"Again…It was **your house**!" Cyril shouted as they all left. "And you're **not** a real estate agent!"

"You're not my real estate supervisor!" Cheryl shouted.

Mallory groaned and finished her drink. This was not going the way she thought it would.

"I should have at least gotten back a few more of my old agents by now," Mallory grumbled as she poured herself another drink. "So I don't have to constantly depend on the gang of slackers that works for me. Just because I shut down my agency for nearly a year they think they can move on with their lives? Ingrates!"

As much as Mallory hated to admit it, the pressure was starting to get to her. Not only was her still-unnamed agency barely functioning and botching up what few missions they did get, they were losing money faster than expected. Not to mention she was losing favors and help from her contacts and previous lovers to cover up her son and the other agents' various mishaps.

The incident at Nellis Air Force base alone had cost her five favors, two contacts, a scathing lecture from another contact and a total of fifteen thousand dollars in bribes and payoffs.

She could only imagine what this latest fiasco would cost her.

Especially since the CIA wasn't returning her calls. And a lot of other people she knew in high places weren't returning her calls either which was making her very uneasy. And it took a lot to make Mallory Archer uneasy.

Her team had no idea how close they came last year to being shipped off to some weird secret co-ed federal prison. And it looked like they were dangerously close to that outcome again.

Needless to say the reputation of her agency was not what she hoped it would have been by now.

Not to mention the strain on her marriage to Ron wasn't helping. And her position in high society was tenuous at best now. On top of it all she was losing money faster from her personal accounts than she was making it.

And no matter how many schemes she tried to come up with lately things were not improving.

"And people wonder why I drink…" Mallory grumbled as she finished her latest drink. She frowned when she realized she was out of Scotch.

Mallory then decided she could only do one thing.

She got out her bottle of Absinthe from the drawer. "Well this day is already going downhill…" She muttered as she poured a drink.

Cheryl happened to notice this. She went to her phone. "Pam! Pam!" She whispered. "Ms. Archer's into the Absinthe again. You know what **that** means! He he…!"

Mallory didn't hear the call. If she did she probably wouldn't have drunk that glass of Absinthe. Or the second. Or the third. Or the fourth…

Flash forward to much later…

"Oh God what the hell did I drink **this time?"** Mallory awoke to a throbbing pain in her skull and aches all over her body. She was lying flat on her back on the couch in her office.

"About half a glass of scotch and a whole bottle of Absinthe," She heard Ray's voice nearby. "Not to mention a few antidepressants. Thanks for loaning some to me by the way."

"Why the hell is everything **blurry** …?" Mallory moaned.

"Because you got super wasted and used zucchini slices on your face," Cheryl said casually.

"What? You know I'm allergic to zucchini!" Mallory yelled. "Oww…"

"We tried to stop you but you were waving that gun around so…" Pam was heard.

"You also set one of the desks on fire," Cheryl spoke up. "And completely emptied out the vending machine."

"That doesn't sound like me," Mallory frowned. "Then vending machine part I mean. I mean I have set a fire or two when I was having a blackout before…"

"You thought the vending machine had alcohol in the back for some reason," Pam smirked as she ate a candy bar confiscated from 'Mallory's' breakdown.

"Okay that sounds like me," Mallory moaned. "Oh great. That's what happened at that stupid Bi-Earth Day party a few years ago! Idiot Brett. Being born on Earth Day…."

"Well we won't have that problem anymore," Pam remarked.

If Mallory could see she would have noticed that Cheryl was working at her desk typing on the computer. Piles of chips, candy bars and other snacks were on the desk, mostly being eaten by Pam. Ray was there too drinking with his good hand some of Mallory's liquor which Pam and Cheryl were also drinking. In fact several bottles of alcohol were on her desk and in various states around the office.

"I got some great shots of you riding Milton around the office," Pam looked at the photos she took on her phone. "They'll be perfect for my blog!"

"Put those pictures on your blog and I'll…OW!" Mallory winced. "I'll do something unspeakable once I'm able to see wherever the hell you are!"

"Come on Ms. Archer," Pam took her by the arm and helped her up. "I'll take you to the bathroom to wash up."

"Just perfect…" Mallory grumbled. "Being led around by a seeing eye-cow."

"Here have some pills," Pam put some pills in her mouth. She took a glass filled with alcohol. "And some more hair of the dog to wash it down."

Mallory swallowed them. "Are these antihistamines?"

"They're…something," Pam shrugged. "Let's just say they'll take away the pain and leave it at that." She led Mallory out of the room.

"Pfft! I don't feel anything! Idiot!" Mallory grumbled as she was led through the office. "I'm surrounded by idiots and whores. Whore-diots! I am surrounded by whore-diots! Big fat whore-diots!"

With that Pam shoved Mallory into the broom closet and locked her in.

"Hey! Hello? Pam? What the..?" Mallory shouted. "Pam what are you…? Whoa…Okay the pills are kicking in now. Definitely not antihistamines…Yeah…This is gonna be a groovy trip."

"I love it when Ms. Archer drinks Absinthe!" Pam chuckled as she walked back into the office. "We can get away with almost anything and have the day off!"

"And do stuff to her," Cheryl giggled as she continued typing at Mallory's computer. "There! I just added some more premiums and money to your health plan Ray. This should totally count as payment for your stupid missing hand."

"It's a start," Ray said. He took a drink. "And stealing some of this gin and her antidepressant pills does help too."

"They're not really antidepressants," Pam said.

"Doesn't matter," Ray shrugged.

"Come on Ray we all know it's going to be Krieger who's going to give you a robot hand," Pam grunted. "I just hope he hurries up and does it so you can stop whining about it!"

"You should be paying me. You totally killed that plant and wrecked the conservatory," Cheryl grumbled.

"That damn thing tried to eat me! And a little warning that you had something in there could have helped!" Ray snapped.

"As a realtor you really should have said something," Pam added.

"Oh damn it. I was a realtor! Well learn something new about this job every day," Cheryl waved. "Like how much money Ms. Archer has in secret accounts and how easy it is to transfer them to the health plan."

"Don't forget to give us all raises," Pam added. "Except for Mr. Archer of course. Might as well milk this old cow while she still has something in her teats!"

"It's even better now that Archer and Lana are off banging each other somewhere," Cheryl scoffed.

"That reminds me Pam I need your help to fill Archer's desk with whipped cream," Ray pointed out.

"Just like what happened at Bi-Earth Day! Cool! We can blame that on Ms. Archer again too!" Pam grinned.

"What's going on?" Cyril walked in with some reports. "Where's Ms. Archer?"

"I locked her in the closet," Pam said as she ate some potato chips.

"Another Absinthe and pills blackout party?" Cyril sighed.

"Yup," Pam nodded.

"I'm in," Cyril threw the reports to the floor. "Hand me a drink will you Ray? Oh wait…"

"You know…?" Ray glared at Cyril as he poured himself a drink.

"Guess what? Cheryl found another offshore secret account Ms. Archer was hiding," Pam interrupted. "There was almost fifty grand in it!"

"Transferred most of the money to our health plans and gave ourselves a bonus," Cheryl said.

"You were able to figure out Ms. Archer's password?" Cyril was stunned.

"Her password to her private stuff is always Duchess!" Cheryl scoffed. "Not that hard to figure out."

"She really loved that dog didn't she?" Pam remarked.

"If I didn't need the extra money I'd say something right now…" Cyril sighed. "But since I do…"

"Well I need to put in a lot of whipped cream in Archer's desk," Ray spoke up. "And take some of his alcohol stash!"

"Yeah I know he's got a sweet bottle of Glengoolie Blue just waiting for us to drink it!" Pam whooped.

"And we can also find some stuff in Lana's desk if we look through it," Cheryl said as she got up.

"Just make sure we put some papers and the bottle in the office to make Archer and Lana think Mallory did it," Ray pointed out as he got up.

"Well duh!" Cheryl scoffed.

"So after drugging up Ms. Archer and locking her in the closet, you stole her money, pills and alcohol," Cyril said. "And now you are going to do some minor vandalism in the office and blame it on her."

"That's pretty much the plan," Ray grinned as the three left the room.

"This is just like Bi-Earth Day," Cyril sighed as he took a drink. "Only this time there's no one blowing up a cake with bullets and a firecracker."


End file.
